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Today at 01:44:51 AM by thumb
Views: 18 | Comments: 2

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this October from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting afterlife benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up".
Spokespersons for the BOOM union in England, Ireland, Wales, New Zealand and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are no virgins in their areas anyway.
According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the popularity of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit package. In the latest statement I have read, they are not even told if they will be female virgins anyway.
December 16, 2014, 09:59:17 PM by thumb
Views: 25 | Comments: 1

After a round of golf, this guy brings his best golf mate home unannounced for dinner.
Walking into his home, his wife begins violently screaming her head off, while his friend wide-eyed and open-mouthed listens to her tirade...

"My hair and makeup aren't done, the house is a f**king mess, and the dishes aren't done!!   Can't you see I'm still in my f**king pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking?  And, don't even THINK about having sex tonight!!  So, why the f**k did you bring your friend home unannounced you stupid asshole?"
Husband answers, "Because he's thinking of getting married."
December 16, 2014, 07:14:24 PM by thumb
Views: 41 | Comments: 2

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girl friend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.
His sister bought a 20 pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped in a parcel with the following letter:-

Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my Love, Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
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